Today at church we sang a song called "You are I Am" One of the lines in the song is the title of this post and it really struck me. I think it especially comes through when you hear (or read) the other lyrics with it. I'll post the lyrics below and you can listen on youtube if you're interested. It's really about relying on God and not your own strength, and about what God can do. It made me think of my most desperate prayers....
I was desperate to have my son home with me. I spent nights crying, longing, my arms aching, but those were NOT my most desperate prayers.
I think that my child's time in the orphanage (we can call it a baby reception house, but it's an orphanage for babies, really) effected him a lot, he was young, but it was hard. With possibly that month long exception, I think the day he most felt like an orphan the day we took him away from everything he knew. He felt abandoned. He felt alone. He did not realize that his foster parents weren't his parents. He felt loved there. I'm not sure he felt as secure as he should have due to all of the transitions in his past, but he did feel loved. Then these strangers who couldn't even communicate with him took him away from those he loved, familiar places, and changed his whole life.
I saw my child grieve. I saw my child angry. I saw my child reject everything in sight wishing for what was lost, hoping that if he pushes us away enough and shuts his eyes tight enough that he could get back there. I cried myself to sleep once he finally exhausted himself and fell asleep. That is when I whispered my most desperate prayers. For healing for my child.
Today I can confidently tell you that he wants to be with us. That he feels loved. That he is (mostly) secure! What a miracle because for more than a year I prayed this. Maybe not as desperately as those first couple of months, but there were times I wondered if he would heal further, if he would ever feel secure (because at a year home, we weren't quite there). So when that line of the song hit me today, it was to tell me that Daniel is not an orphan. He is our child and God walked him through that time where he felt alone and needed healing. It was a reminder that God answers our prayers.
I don't want people to think that prayer was all it took. God tells us to pray but also asks us to put in the work. It has been almost 16 months (wow!) since Daniel came home. October 1st he will be with us longer than he was in Korea. It's been a long 16 months with a lot of hard work on our part and a lot of patience, and a lot of learning on his part. Learning to trust, to let himself love again, to deal with his anger without as many physical outbursts, and so much more. But God sustained us and gave us strength to continue in the darkest times, and he brought healing to our sweet Suhbin-ah. :) I am filled with awe and praise today and I wanted to share it!