Our mailman has been found safe and sound. We have mail, however I believe that his abductors took our I-600a approval before returning him so we're still on the lookout for the missing form. :P
Book Review: Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child
OK, it took me several weeks to finish this book but I'm all the way through it now so I'll give you a very honest (though perhaps less than PC) opinion.
The good stuff:
The beginning I thought was mostly good. Lots of ideas on how to attach with your child. Quite a bit of honesty about grief and how that can be tough on child and parent. Throughout the book there were several parts that were just good reminders of decent parenting of any child (controlling your own emotions to listen to your child, ways to continue to connect with your child, making sure your child isn't trying to take on too much, etc.)
The not-so-good:
This is where people may take issue with what I have to say. I know that I am not a parent of an internationally adopted child yet so realize that this is written from that perspective. I felt like the author blamed every issue in the child's life on adoption. While I agree that it is going to add a new issue to deal with throughout our child's life it is not the only issue in childhood. One example that bothered me is that a one child was having trouble going to preschool (or day care) on Wednesdays. I believe the child was 3 or 4. The conclusion this woman drew was that the child was taken from her birth country on a Wednesday (she was 1). While I understand that very young memories can influence us, and that things like smells, feel of the air, time of year, etc may be triggers from our unconscious memory, I disagree that something as concrete as Wednesday would be remembered. The adoptive parents had to look back to find out what day of the week the child was brought home so this hadn't been mentioned over and over either. I think that sometimes you need to look deeper at the real situation and not conclude that it is always an adoption related issue. Maybe they have music on Wednesdays (and Library on Tuesday). The child understands that the day after Library class is music class and the child doesn't like the music. Or there is a routine to snack time and the child doesn't like snacks on Wednesday - I don't know what the issue really is and I could be wrong but I think that we have to remember adoption as a possible issue but not blame it for everything. Just my opinion.
Overall I would recommend the book, but with a grain of salt thrown in. Please don't crucify me for my opinion (and I recognize it's a rather uneducated one right now). I would be happy to hear differing opinions however, just please present them respectfully!
Have a great day!
I haven't read that book, but I completely agree with your take on it. When Matthew first came home, we approached a lot of his behavior from a trauma perspective. We are almost 8 months in now, and while we still take into account everything he has been through, we now know that he is stubborn, controlling, and headstrong. It is simply his personality. And that is okay with us. His behavior now isn't much different than it was with his foster family (according to them). The only difference now is that his behavior has consequences. It is like I have asked my family to consider: sympathize with his situation. BUT his attitude and ill behavior will simply not dictate our lives. If he is sad that is one thing. I would love to hold him and help him through that. If he is angry because he wants to be the only person allowed to sit on the couch, then he needs to go to his room until he can be civil.
ReplyDeleteI have a very hard time buying that "Wednesday" business. Maybe if it was a smell, or a season, or a certain kind of weather triggering those feelings, I would understand. But I just don't think a one year old could possibly differentiate a wednesday from any other day. My mind went to the exact same place yours did. Music, library, snack. Something that happens at SCHOOL on Wednesday.
I also have to agree with you. I bought the book, read the first two chapters and had to put it down. Just TOO negative. People tend to over-think things to the Nth degree.
ReplyDeleteNOT buying the Wednesday thing either. Gimmie a break! There were things that I thought Joye was going through because of her loss. Turns out she is just bossy and hard-headed.LOL.
The biggest thing that I think Mother's need to follow is their instinct. This book takes the instinct out of the situation entirely. You have your instinct intact, that's why you have trouble believing this book. GOOD FOR YOU! Love this post.