I remember when we started out on this process. I'd read blogs about people who were close to referral and they'd talk about dreading the weekend, and the roller coaster. Roller coaster ride: waking up in the morning, being excited that it could be today, at the same time thinking that it's not likely to be today, but still there's a bit of adrenaline and excitement. But each day I reach about 11:30 and give it up for the day. There's a bit of disappointment that it won't be that day. Sometimes it's more than just a bit of disappointment... By evening you start looking forward to the next day. Friday evenings you're a bit sad - you don't want to have to wait all weekend in order to have that possibility of good news. At the same time you're a bit exhausted from the anticipation and welcome the break. BUT a long weekend (when your husband has class all weekend and isn't around which is usually the wonderful part about weekends) is a special kind of torture. When I read these blogs, I sort of understood but sort of thought the people were a bit crazy. Well....now I'm crazy!!!
I am currently lacking much motivation and struggling to stay focused on other things. I want to see a picture of my baby. I want to know who (s)he is. I want to stop writing he or she (even though I know it's likely he I still do this b/c only God knows for sure). I want to start preparing in the fun ways - not just cleaning. I want to have an IDEA of when we'll travel and not worry about it. I want to know how the referral process will play out and not be stress about whether Brian will be around when we get our referral or how quickly he'll be able to get in so we can see our child. How quickly can I arrange care for the kids? I want to drop everything and go now!
OK - these are my desires. These are the desires of my heart and I pray about them. But I also know that there is a baby who does not desire to be with me. A baby who is being well taken care of and who isn't quite ready to be home with us. There is one baby meant for our family and I can't rush that and I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have to trust in God's perfect timing. I KNOW that God's timing is better than mine. That as I look back at my life I can see where God was in control and that His timing and His way of doing things has been amazing! It has brought us here. There is not one single area that I can say "Oh, I really wish it had been....". There are hard times but God brought good out of it and His glory shines because of it. So I trust in this timing and that He will send the child He wants in our family to us in His perfect timing.
Thanks for listening to my rambling and unloading. I am so thankful for all of you who take the time to read this and who have been such a source of support!!! Thank you!
Now a celebration!!! Jenny is going to get her little boy next week!!! He'll finally be home with his family forever and will know what it's like to have a Mommy and a Daddy. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am about this!!! It is time!!! Congrats Jenny!