Saturday, February 19, 2011

Too much Thinking!

I remember when we started out on this process. I'd read blogs about people who were close to referral and they'd talk about dreading the weekend, and the roller coaster. Roller coaster ride: waking up in the morning, being excited that it could be today, at the same time thinking that it's not likely to be today, but still there's a bit of adrenaline and excitement. But each day I reach about 11:30 and give it up for the day. There's a bit of disappointment that it won't be that day. Sometimes it's more than just a bit of disappointment... By evening you start looking forward to the next day. Friday evenings you're a bit sad - you don't want to have to wait all weekend in order to have that possibility of good news. At the same time you're a bit exhausted from the anticipation and welcome the break. BUT a long weekend (when your husband has class all weekend and isn't around which is usually the wonderful part about weekends) is a special kind of torture. When I read these blogs, I sort of understood but sort of thought the people were a bit crazy. Well....now I'm crazy!!!

I am currently lacking much motivation and struggling to stay focused on other things. I want to see a picture of my baby. I want to know who (s)he is. I want to stop writing he or she (even though I know it's likely he I still do this b/c only God knows for sure). I want to start preparing in the fun ways - not just cleaning. I want to have an IDEA of when we'll travel and not worry about it. I want to know how the referral process will play out and not be stress about whether Brian will be around when we get our referral or how quickly he'll be able to get in so we can see our child. How quickly can I arrange care for the kids? I want to drop everything and go now!

OK - these are my desires. These are the desires of my heart and I pray about them. But I also know that there is a baby who does not desire to be with me. A baby who is being well taken care of and who isn't quite ready to be home with us. There is one baby meant for our family and I can't rush that and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I have to trust in God's perfect timing. I KNOW that God's timing is better than mine. That as I look back at my life I can see where God was in control and that His timing and His way of doing things has been amazing! It has brought us here. There is not one single area that I can say "Oh, I really wish it had been....". There are hard times but God brought good out of it and His glory shines because of it. So I trust in this timing and that He will send the child He wants in our family to us in His perfect timing.

Thanks for listening to my rambling and unloading. I am so thankful for all of you who take the time to read this and who have been such a source of support!!! Thank you!

Now a celebration!!! Jenny is going to get her little boy next week!!! He'll finally be home with his family forever and will know what it's like to have a Mommy and a Daddy. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am about this!!! It is time!!! Congrats Jenny!

9 comments:

  1. oh yessssss.... SO many times throughout this process i am convinced i could have been admitted to an institution!!! the emotions on this journey are NUTS. i've never been pregnant but i imagine the mood swings are very similar to pregnancy hormones!!! and THANK YOU sweet friend for your congratulations! we're over the moon with joy! i can't wait to read about you flipping out in public when you receive the phone call of your life!

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  2. It's normal to be crazy! Getting a refferal wouldn't be as exciting if wasn't for the obsession leading up to it.
    And if I am around, I can always meet you near the agency and occupy your kids while you look at the file.

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  3. Christy, I can see how not knowing your "number" or your place in line would be even harder! I really understand though the weekend thing. I have to figure out how to mentally change my attitude about my weekends to start making them fun again. Its torture to get to friday for the weekend update,be miserable that whole weekend b/c we recieved no news, then have to wait until the next fri to start the process all over again :( exhausting huh? Soon, friend, soon.

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  4. The waiting parts of adoption are crazy-making!! Just know that you are not alone, and we have all been just as crazy at some point! I hope your weekend is great, despite its news-less-ness. There, I made up a word to cheer you up!

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  5. yup, totally normal to feel like this. glad you are able to share and unload -- totally healthy to do that! you are right, God's timing is perfect, but here's hoping and praying that you hear something SOON!

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  6. God's timing *is* perfect but it is so hard to understand why that timing takes so long. He has just the right baby picked out for your family and I know he/she will be revealed very soon. You are being so faithful in this wait and allowing God to use this time to strengthen your faith in Him. Praying you hear something soon!! :)

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  7. I am so sorry about the long wait. :( I know each week gets harder and harder. It is just so TIRING! Hang in there, your happy day is just a phone call away!

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  8. The long weekend must have been so difficult - I am praying this is the week you get the good news! The emotional ups and downs of this journey are certainly not easy, I am right there with you.

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  9. Hey there. I'm a bit behind on my reader, so I'm coming to the party late on this. But I TOTALLY know how you feel! You've held on this long, and sometimes it just feels like you can't wait one day longer. But you can. And you will, because that's what it takes to get to your baby. Just keep breathing deeply and believing in the master plan. Because when that call comes, you are off on an entirely new roller coaster. {{hugs!}}

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