Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Telling older siblings that you're adopting...?

Happy New Year! I hope you all had a blessed holiday season! We are so excited to enter 2011 - the year we find out about and meet our baby (hopefully!!!). I also have to say that yesterday was a FANTASTIC day with lots of wonderful news and I'm so thankful and I praise God for all of that happy news! Sorry I can't share it - not mine to share! ;)

I've been thinking a lot about telling older kids that you're adopting. For those that don't know this, we haven't told B and E yet that we're adopting. We've taken many wonderful opportunities to talk about adoption in general with them. We've also discussed adding a sibling "one day" but we haven't gotten specific yet because adoption is a bumpy road and our children's concept of time is a bit lacking (especially E). The kids LOVE the idea of a younger sibling. B is starting to understand adoption a bit, and E is just starting to as well (her Cabbage Patch doll was a great instrument in discussing adoption with both of them).

B told me (in October) that the best birthday gift would be to have another sibling. Brian and I were planning on telling the kids for their birthdays (in December) that we were adopting. Our initial timeline was 4-6 months and even when it moved to 4-8 that didn't seem so bad (we were at the 5 month mark for their birthdays). In November we were told to expect 12 months (I'm still thinking that our agency is a bit pessimistic and giving very conservative time lines but I digress). That was enough for us to decide to wait on telling them. We realized that this was a blow to us and that we needed to wait for a bit. It's driving me crazy not telling them though. I told Brian that what I want for my birthday is to tell the kids. My birthday is in March and we'll be at about the 8 1/2 month mark since HSTK. I know that we have to evaluate if this is best for our family when it gets closer but we're thinking about it. We're really hoping we'll have a referral by then and won't have to make this decision.

So my question to those of you with older kids, whether through birth or adoption, is this: How did you go about telling your older child(ren) that you're adopting? When did you do it? How did they deal with the wait?

Don't forget to check out the giveaways that I posted about in yesterday's post. Also check out the wonderful post Tracy wrote today about the support they're receiving - makes me excited to see everyone rally around them! Continued prayers to bring Emi Faith Home!!

10 comments:

  1. We didn't tell Isaac until we had a picture of Matthew. He was younger than your kids though (2.5 at the time). We just felt that he needed something concrete in order to understand. We still have to have the "what is adoption" talk a lot with him. The other day he was asking when he could get married. I told him when he grew up and fell in love and after that they could have babies or adopt. He said, "like me?" thinking that HE was adopted. It's very confusing all around. That's my long answer!

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  2. I don't have any advice, but I really hope your referral is much sooner than you were told. Hugs to you my friend!

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  3. I had to go over and leave a comment first on one another blog when I saw her title--so exciting!! One step closer for all of us! Our boys were 5 and 3 when we started our adoption with Lindsey and we told them right away. Our 6 month wait for referral turned into 22 months--I KNOW this won't happen with Korea, right?!--I was glad we told them, but I am not sure they even believed us b/c it took so long! :) I don't think you can go wrong in telling at any time. You know your kids the best and how they will respond to waiting and knowing.

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  4. I agree with Kelly, you probably will know based on your own kids and how it would affect them. My boys have known from the beginning but they are pretty patient kids. Also, they were old enough (7/10)that we asked them how they felt about the idea. Although, I'm sure most children would take on more siblings no matter what. Children are just so precious when it comes to little siblings. They get so excited about it. I'm not sure it would be easy to handle a toddler or a curious pre-schoolers daily questions (unless you are the very patient type of mama:) I just remember their "Why?" stage just about drove me up a cliff..ha ha.
    My kids probably don't feel like it's their reality yet, though. I'm sure it will seem more real after we get a picture.

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  5. I tried to email you--but it got returned. Could you email me at takva73@gmail.com so I can get back with you? thanks!

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  6. My kids have known from the beginning as well. My 10 yr old gets it and does not mind waiting..mainly bc she has lots of siblings already on both sides of her family. The five year old occasionally asks when his baby sister is gonna be here, and I always explain everything once again. The three year old I dont think really gets any of it. I think whatever you feel your kids can understand and deal with ( and of course how much patience you have to repeat answers to the same questions over and over again :) Praying for that referral to get here soon!

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  7. We have carried our kids through this from day one. We have two bio girls ages 8 and 5. We talked a lot about adoption with them and included them with our homestudy visits and everything. They ask occasionally where we are and our 8 year old even kept up with the waiting list numbers for us! I think it's been good to include them and even more exciting when you get that referral to celebrate together!

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  8. We told Olive right away. But we also went a different route - we were searching photo listings for waiting children, so we knew that it could happen immediately, or a long time from when we started. So, since Olive was only 2 at the time, we put it in simple terms and told her that she'd be getting a little live-in buddy called a sister. We got books from the library about it, and once we found our girl, we showed Olive pictures and videos of her. We talked about her, and Olive often told us things she would do with, share with, and tell her sister. She was excited, and we're not sure she understood, but we felt it was really important to include her in the expansion of our family. Even if they don't understand what's happening, I feel it's important to give them the respect of knowing. It gives them plenty of time to process and ask questions. (hopefully not too many questions! ;) )

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  9. We told the boys right away, actually we did not have a choice, our social worker wanted them to know and asked jack how he felt. I say t3ll them! It will make it feel real, and they will be excited!

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  10. We shared with the girls right away as well. They were actually part of the decision to adopt since they are in middle school, so a much bigger age gap. Wasn't sure if they would want a baby brother/sister or not and they were so excited. Your little one will be coming home soon, I say go for it and tell the kids!

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